Keith Rosewater shares his tips for productive harmony in the office

Building a winning team

WHEN ASKED where successful teams get their energy and drive, I like to compare the concept of ‘the team’ to a fighter plane, maybe an F-14 Tomcat, like Tom Cruise flies in Top Gun. No matter how immense its firepower or big its wheels may be, without a pilot to start the ignition, it isn’t going to get off the ground, never mind shoot bogeys at 3 o’clock. Likewise, every team has its component parts, but anyone expecting it to motivate itself from within is only fooling themselves. This is why we have leaders!

Leaders know best – it really is that simple. This is why, like cream, they rise to the top. It is fundamental that staff accept this – history is full of disastrous judgments made by corporate lackeys with an overblown sense of importance.

Dissenters are uncomfortable for organisations. They have ideas above their station, and often lack social grace. They need to be managed constructively by encouraging them to leave. If they haven’t the ambition to pursue professional development elsewhere, then alternative techniques to encourage their departure can be applied, such as adding demeaning responsibilities into their job description, or intermittently hiding their stationery to induce a creeping mental disorder.

Team leaders should raise the team’s awareness of what is required of them in order to realise success. There is no room for complacency in the successful team. This can be addressed by creating a culture of feedback. Remember, feedback starts from the top – if your staff are mediocre, then tell them!

Finally, remember that from the Roman Empire to the modern Mafia, the key to inspiring success comes down to two simple motivational techniques: fear and rewards. If people are too idle to chase success, then they can at least be expected to cover their own backs.

Indeed, as is often repeated among senior academics, the Roman Empire ultimately fell because it neglected these basics, and instead got bogged down in corporate values, regime benchmarking and eating lead.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Managing meetings

“I HATE MEETINGS” – these are words that every team leader hates to hear. Why? Because they are an admission of utter social failure. Not only has your colleague confessed indifference to the direction of your core business, but worse still, by openly preferring to hide in their desk-cave than engage with humanity, they are effectively saying “I am not a team player”.

This is a common problem among workers who perceive meetings to be simply for briefings, problem-solving or decision-making. This old-fashioned mindset needs a good clip round the ear and sending to bed without tea, because, in reality, there is so much more to meetings. They are, for example, the perfect opportunity for group hugs, backslapping and buffets – three things that your desk-troll colleague is in certain need of.

In this modern age, we can no longer simply excommunicate our square pegs – we must at least make a token effort to engage them, to give the impression that we hold them in some degree of esteem. To this end, meetings offer an ideal medium for motivation. Welcome your colleagues with inspirational music. Don’t make the common faux pas of playing “What have you done today to make you feel proud?” – this puts colleagues on the defensive, and is far better suited to their annual review. Michael Jackson’s “I just can’t stop loving you” is much more effective. And sing it too – let them know it comes from your heart, not just your CD player.

Meetings aren’t a forum for conflict. Your meeting should be an oasis of calm in an otherwise hectic working day – an excellent environment for staff enjoyment. If anyone is still too timid to get their ideas out, reassure yourself that they probably weren’t worth hearing in the first place – if scaredy cats were calling the shots then we’d only get out of bed to eat Whiskas and cough up hairballs.

This is also an opportunity to wow your socially retarded colleague with your oratory skills. Nothing shows this better than an intricate paper, covering all tangents. This isn’t GCSE business studies – if you can’t manage more than two sides of A4, then ask yourself what you’ve missed.

Finally, remember that a good meeting is like a good party – by the next day, most people can no longer remember who said what, or how they ended up with nettle stings on the backs of their legs. Ensure you keep detailed minutes for subsequent, regular and rigorous reviews, not to mention gossip around the water cooler!

Jack Bauer says: Don't leave key staff out of the loop, or MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE!