With the banking sector playing silly buggers, the markets still jittery and lending at an all-time low, it is becoming more and more and more difficult to secure a competitive mortgage, particularly for people without a large deposit (of money). Templeton Funt has been seeking out alternative mortgage schemes and now wishes to share his findings with you, our beloved reader.

Moog Bank Hog-Tracker

The interest rate on this innovative loan is calculated by subtracting from ten the number of seconds it takes an ecstatic pig to run the length of a ten-pin bowling lane. Now is a great time to apply as Moog’s star pig, Philip, currently has a bruised trotter and is a little more cautious in his step.

BODHI Roadhouse Loan

Do you own the complete filmography of Patrick Swayze? BODHI Bank is currently offering a fixed rate of 4.9% over ten years to anyone who can deliver a complete set of Swayze films to their offices by 6 July. Laserdisc owners need not apply.

Owolabi Okuma 'Confidential Business Proposal'

Mr Okuma is a wealthy Nigerian businessman who wishes to release unclaimed government funds totalling US$21,300,000 to the rightful beneficiary but requires a foreign bank account through which to facilitate the transaction (as a civil servant, Mr Okuma is not permitted to open an overseas account himself). In return for using your account, you will receive 10% of the transferred sum. Assurances have been given that the transaction is completely risk-free and the funds should be deposited within seven days of Mr Okuma receiving your bank details.