Inkjets today offer picture quality and print speeds the likes of which would have seemed like witchcraft only two decades ago. While this progress has been informed more by strings and pulleys than sorcery per se, knowing which printer to buy in this brave new world of home printing remains, at best, tedious. With this in mind, we have selected fifty of the best-selling inkjet printers currently available and spent the last few weeks getting highly-educated computer scientists from the developing world to conduct exhaustingly monotonous benchmarking trials. Our offshore engineers have creamed off the best-performing hardware so that there should be something to meet your budget, whatever your requirements.

Figure 1: Print volume (magenta)

Nister Brut Reserva UK-PCP100

To be perfectly frank, I've never been a great fan of Nister, but with total annual sales last year at a record 600 million units, I recognise that I'm in a minority. Nonetheless, the Brut Reserva is a behemoth by any standard, carrying an immortal print head as standard and a lemony dye-based ink made in the Champagne method from Parellada grapes.

Marc Fowler Brut NV99i

The in/out paper-tray capacity of this salmon-pink sparkler from Limoges is nothing short of mouth-watering, and its exquisite quoted noise level is so low as to make paratroopers gurgle and coo. Despite being rather indifferent to kittens and pictures of babies, it is well-suited to most occasions, making it the ideal inkjet for frivolous parties.

Sans Cullottes Blanc de Blancs SOS-13

Built by Breton separatists, this is a great (and cheaper) alternative to laser printing. It supports both Mac and Windows operating systems and is also an ideal partner to such dishes as roast cod or steamed paupiettes of sole.

Cheest Glowing Oxen 2000AD

Made from 90 per cent recycled plastic (with dashes of Pinot Bianco), this all-in-one scanner and fax has been fermented in oak, resulting in a crisp finish on gloss paper. It uses Tesla-coil print-head technology and the USB ports deliver an intriguing blend of gooseberries and deep-space vacuum.

PAH! DMC-12

This fella has excellent, toasty weight, and lingers especially well over 6x4-inch photos. Being high in sulphites, the red-eye reduction comes as standard. Constructed according to the DeLorean model, this has been created with holiday snaps and a lingering, late-night glass of scotch in mind.

Figure 2: 6x4-inch picture output