How the lemon became so sour
| Dr Pat Fanackapan,
Visiting Professor of Food Culture at Stanford University, like,
totally gives us the skinny on matters citrus.
THIS O MY BEST BELOVED, is the tale that tells how the Lemon became so sour. It begins in the beginning of years, when the Trees and the Animals were still all new, and all that Man asked of Fruit was for it to be sweet to the tongue and obliging with peristalsis. What with the world being so new and all, Fruit had not made other plans, and from Paw-Paw to Pomegranate and from Seagrape to Hogplum, Fruit took great pleasure in easing the passage of Man’s Stools. One day, when Fruit had successfully encouraged a particularly large steak through Man’s gastrointestinal tract, Man turned to Orange and said, “O Most Exalted Fruit and Delight of my Life, you truly are the Most Adorable of Citrus Fruit. With your ‘sclusive colouration and ease of segmentation, I shouldn’t swap you for Lemon - not for ever so!” But little did Man know, Lemon was listening from behind a nearby boulder - and being such a ‘sclusively fine short-term preservative when sprinkled on certain foods that tend to oxidise, Lemon seethed. “Brother Orange,” said Lemon, “This is an unjust unfairness and furthermore it cannot stand.” And so, marking his own words, Lemon went into the most junglesome tropical forest, therein to seek the Djinn in charge of all Fruits and air his grievance.“O Djinn in charge of all Fruits,” said Lemon, “Is it right that Man should prefer Orange over me when I am such a noble agent in the treatment of Scurvy, and my pH of 2–3 makes me a ‘sclusively inexpensive acid for educational science experiments? Is this not the most unjust unfairness?” “Hmm,” said the Djinn (Djinns always pause before they respond as it is more Dramatic), “Your rancour and umbrage are beyond the cure of any Djinn, but if the Orange monopoly pains you thus, I will happily bring it to an end.” “So be it,” said Lemon. “Bring Orange’s hegemony to an inglorious close!”“So it will be,” said the Djinn in charge of all Fruits, and he clapped his hands, which made it so. Lemon returned to where Man ate his breakfast, dinner and tea, and waited for him to return and kneel in awe of the New Yellow Order.
At last, Man appeared and broke his fast - slurping on a Hot Coffee and champing on a Warm Croissant. Lemon could scarcely contain his excitement that the reign of Orange was over. And so, after a very long time (Man ate very slowly in those days as his commute was pleasantly brief), Man peered into his patchy-blatchy backpack for something to aid his Motions. When Man said he preferred not to negotiate Orange’s thick skin, Lemon barely suppressed a barely suppressable smile. And when Man furthermore indicated his aversion to Orange’s nasty pips and icky pith, Lemon’s smile was no longer suppressed at all. “Behold!” cried Lemon, stepping into the light, “For I, The Sultan of Citrus Fruits, am the answer to your prayers!” “But aren’t you funny,” said Man. “What I need is sweet orangey goodness, and here I am spoilt for choice between satsumas, mandarins, clementines and tangerines - why, I shouldn’t eat Lemon - not for ever so!’ Lemon’s smile was no longer expressed at all, for he realised that while he might be useful as a natural hair lightener, he would never be the Sultan of Citrus Fruit. And from that day to this, not only has Lemon remained as sour as sour can be, but there are also copious orangey media for ingesting Vitamin C.Do you see? |
